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Discussion Board Due this week: For a profile to be successful, readers need to

by | Jun 22, 2022 | Other

 

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Discussion Board Due this week:
For a profile to be successful, readers need to feel as if they have really gotten to know the subject of the profile, that they have really spent some time with the subject. To accomplish that, you need to put the reader into your own skin, as it were, and let the reader experience the subject as vividly as you can through language. That means you need to provide as many sensory details as you can in describing particular scenes in the day of your subject.
Sight: What do you see? What does your subject do? How does he or she do it?
Hearing: What does your subject say and how does he or she say it?
Touch: What is it like to shake hands (or bump elbows?) with your subject? What does your subject touch regularly in doing his or her job?
Smell: What aromas or odors are part of doing your subject’s job?
Taste: Is eating anything a part of spending time with your subject?
Regardless of the job your subject does, you will want to let us see your subject as an acting and expressive human being, and you’ll want to let us hear your subject speak. Whether you focus on touch, smell, and taste will depend on the job your subject does and to what extent you need to invoke those senses to recreate being with your subject.
In the discussion board this week, I’d like you to practice transforming the description of a scene that merely summarizes what happened into a description that recreates what happened vividly through the addition of vivid, sensory details.
As a model, consider how I transformed the following brief description of a liver transplant patient who comes back to see the nurse who attended to him while he waited for his liver into something more vivid and touching:
Original:
“Once he finally got his new liver he was better and was able to be discharged. He lives in Northern PA and has a llama farm so Sarah figured she’d never see him again. He comes back at least twice a year to visit her and she said he looks so good and healthy and he always wants to take a picture of the girl who took such great care of him and literally nursed him back to health.”
Rewrite:
“Once he finally got his new liver he was better and was able to be discharged. He lives in Northern PA and has a llama farm so Sarah figured she’d never see him again. Imagine her surprise then when, six months later, while she was filling out paperwork, she looked up to see a gentleman approaching her who looked vaguely familiar. Where have I seen those eyes before, she asked herself. “Sarah,” he said, “Don’t you know me?” As soon as she heard his voice, she knew it was Ray but she still couldn’t believe the transformation. When he left, he was so thin still and needed help walking. But the man before her now was filled out and stood up straight and steady on his feet. She loved seeing those sparkling eyes and that warm smile again.
She came around the desk and hugged him and then he pulled out his phone to take a selfie of them together. “I need a picture of the woman who saved my life,” he said, and they both hugged again and cried. Now, he comes back at least twice a year to visit her and she said he looks so good and healthy and he always wants to take a picture of the girl who took such great care of him and literally nursed him back to health.”
First Post:
Using my rewrite as a model, please transform the following 66-word description of riding with a Jimmy John’s driver into an at least 250-word description that is much more vivid through the addition of sensory details:
We came up to the house that was Larry’s first stop today. We both left the car and walked up to the front door. While we waited for someone to answer the door, Larry told me he comes to this place often. The door finally opened, and Larry handed the sandwiches to the woman who appeared along with the bill. After she paid us, we left.

 

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